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Greetings to all the fine FOC’s (Friends Of The Cap’n) out there in Gatewayland, including IAA Fan and all the pretty coeds who wish they were cuddled up with Cap’n Cat right now. What follows is another "idiotic" post.
Matter of fact, girls, picture this: Your roommate has gone home for the weekend. Your boyfriend has gone home, too, to hook up with that ho’ he picked up at the Ohio State game, you know, the one that gave him the crabs. It’s just me and you and a hundred candles there in that lonely dorm room at Cafaro House, YSU. You, in a purple nightie with Cap’n Cat underwear, shaving my back with a rusty razor, feeding me grapes one-by-one while slow-dancing to a Dido CD. Me, in my soiled pink Depends, a leather mask and a baby’s bonnet. Rub my tummy til I purr and send the next one in.
Word that Cap’n Cat is in this YSU dorm draws a libidinous cache of girlies…
***************************************
OK, now! Let’s start off with our regular opening feature, kids -
Cap’n Cat’s Mailbag!!!!
Our first letter is from “Heidi” at Western Illinois. She writes,
Dear Cap’n Cat,
How do I know if I’m really, really in love with my boyfriend?
Well, Heidi, thanks for writing to The Cap’n. He has all the answers on love. Cap’n Cat is going to assume you two are intimate, if you know what I mean. If you don’t mind bar food, him checking out other chicks, farts, doing his Calculus homework, calling you “Mommy" during sex, and volcanic Peter North facials, Cap’n Cat says you really love him.
However, I see you are from Western Illinois. If he is a football JUCO transfer and can’t produce legit high school transcripts, I’d be wary. No future in a marriage to a guy majoring in Motorcycle Safety. I advise you continue that relationship with your step-brother until someone better comes along. Better yet, transfer to UNI.
*****
Our next letter comes from Paul at Southern Illinois. He writes,
Dear Cap’n Cat,
Why is it that you still can’t accept SIU as a legit national power?
Hi, Paul. I’m sorry, Southern Illinois plays football?
*****
Our final letter comes from “Justine” at Indiana State. She asks,
Dear Cap’n Cat,
I hear you are quite the skirt hound. Howz about a few laps around the dorm room with me?
Thanks, Justine. Cap’n Cat is certainly a ladies man like no other. Still, he doesn’t have too much success with the girls because he always insists on wearing their underwear on his head. Therapy is going OK and he thinks he has the problem “licked”, so to speak.
Regarding your proposition, though, The Cap’n would indeed enjoy throwing one at you, but you must meet certain requirements. First, you have to walk with a limp, be completely shaven “down there”, your feet have to stink, your dad must be wealthy, your mom needs to be bi-curious, and your boyfriend needs to know how to operate the video equipment. If you can meet these standards, PM me at this site.
Enough silliness, TO THE GAMES!!!!
1. Western Illinois at Western Kentucky.
My, how the mighty have fallen. Western Illinois, once a Gateway and national powerhouse couldn’t pull a sick whore offa toilet this year. They had their yearly loss to UNI and got pummeled by Southern Illinois by 70, or something. Think it’s time to reconsider the JUCO transfer thing. You can’t build a team on kids from East St. Louis via the Coffeyville, KS, or Garden City, KS, JC’s. And, the time’s gonna come when that bail money slush fund begins to dwindle away
Cap’n Cat has built a lot of respect for the Topsters, them having beat the Cats three years in a row. Still, their stadium blows dick and their fans are a-holes. Bring your flak jacket and a carton of Lucky Strikes to bribe them away from you. Cigarettes are the only thing these people understand. By the way, Cap’n Cat has to employ his obligatory Kentucky joke:
Q. What is the definition of “relative humidity”?
A. It’s the beads of sweat that form on your cousin’s back when you’re doin’ her from behind!
Thank ya verramuch, thank ya, thank ya verramuch!!!!!
Any-frickin’-how, Cap’n Cat’s Binford 2000 Gateway Game Guesstimator tells us that WKU wins by 28, 35-7.
*****************************
2. Indiana State at Southern Illinois.
Talk about yer Davids and Goliaths! H3ll, the Leafed Ones will be lucky the Dogs don’t spin a C note on the scoreboard. This is almost as bad as those jerk-offs at Georgia Southern playing Paul Quinn or Johnson C. Smith or Pineville Baptist Women’s College, or whomever the hell it was they beat by 90. Indiana State has not been good for eons. They had a 7-4 year a few back, but that was the lone shining light in a program that is the microcosmic equivalent of the nation of Albania. What the f*ck good comes outta there, anyway? Terre Haute, Tirana – same thing. There’s major prisons in both cities and that’s all I know.
Then there’s Southern Illinois who, though they’ve had great success in the past two seasons, are still an anomaly to Cap’n Cat. Yeah, they beat UNI this year, but, as they say, even a blind squirrel can bust his nut – or something like that. Their recent run is a fluke in Gateway Conference history, like Youngstown’s national championship in 1997. The Saluki carriage morphs back into a pumpkin for next season after Coach Kill takes a job at a half-assed I-A school like Middle Tennessee State or Utah State and falls on his face ala’ Todd Berry of Crimson Crow fame.
Soon enough, the conference will be back to normal, and normal is…….Northern Iowa winning the championship four out of every five seasons (and tying with Western Illinois or Western Kentucky that odd year), Indiana State floundering, Youngstown State stumbling and whining why they EVER got in a conference, Illinois State setting new standards for mediocrity, Southwest Missouri remaining a perennial mosquito on the I-AA radar and Southern Illinois remanded back to their long-occupied “Dog” house at the bottom of the conference, putting together impressive strings of consecutive 2-9 seasons. Least they were consistent. THAT’S the real Gateway!
”Back in there, Saluki-breath!”
Anyway, when Cap’n Cat slips this “contest” into his Cap’n Cat Binford 2000 Gateway Game Guesstimator, it spits out Southern Illinois 75, Indiana State 6.
*****
3. Ilinois State at Northern Iowa.
Like Indiana State, the ILSU Crimson Crows just gotta heave when they see Northern Iowa on their schedule ever year. They look at it every week from April on and get that sick knot in their gut worrying about getting blasted by the Cats. Again. Maybe the admin’s and coaches in Normal oughta hand out those schedules in August, so they can keep their minds on working out and getting in shape for the season and not about the azz-whoopin’ that awaits them courtesy of UNI every single frickin’ year.
I did tell you guys I got laid on both nights of my ILSU recruiting visit, didn’t I? On Friday night, I went home with the best of the two, a redheaded, freckled beauty by the name of Maureen. She was from suburban Evergreen Park and her dad was a plumber, I recall. Good Democrat gal, too. I just remember being very sore the next day and applying baby lotion to my furry sword. And, even though I really wasn’t, ahem, “up” to it on Saturday night, I still managed to have an amorous encounter with a darker skinned girl after a party. Don’t remember her name, but I know one thing, she learned a lot in just two years of college. She had to have achieved her Masters in the Oral Arts already. Maybe ILSU is good for something after all!
Anyhow, the Cap’ns beloved UNI Panthers are on a serious roll now, their feet finally beneath them, having lost some tough ones to a tough buncha teams in I-AA, but recovering, and winning four big ones in a row. Some are talking about the playoffs, but The Cap’n doesn’t think that will happen. Had the Salukis not fallen down like a little girl in the playground in the first round v Delaware last year, there would be more thought given to that third Gateway playoff team.
Regardless, we’re here to talk about this game. Take it from the Cap’n, this will be no game. The Panthers will maul the Crows like you do your girlfriend when you get home drunk after the titty bars. Future Walter Payton Award winner Eric Sanders at QB, a healthy Freeney and Farley-fired defense will have Crow heads spinning in the UNIDome. When asked to provide a score for this one, Cap’n Cat’s Binford 2000 Gateway Game Guesstimator tells us, UNI 56, ILSU 17.
(continued in reply!)
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Matter of fact, girls, picture this: Your roommate has gone home for the weekend. Your boyfriend has gone home, too, to hook up with that ho’ he picked up at the Ohio State game, you know, the one that gave him the crabs. It’s just me and you and a hundred candles there in that lonely dorm room at Cafaro House, YSU. You, in a purple nightie with Cap’n Cat underwear, shaving my back with a rusty razor, feeding me grapes one-by-one while slow-dancing to a Dido CD. Me, in my soiled pink Depends, a leather mask and a baby’s bonnet. Rub my tummy til I purr and send the next one in.
Word that Cap’n Cat is in this YSU dorm draws a libidinous cache of girlies…
***************************************
OK, now! Let’s start off with our regular opening feature, kids -
Cap’n Cat’s Mailbag!!!!
Our first letter is from “Heidi” at Western Illinois. She writes,
Dear Cap’n Cat,
How do I know if I’m really, really in love with my boyfriend?
Well, Heidi, thanks for writing to The Cap’n. He has all the answers on love. Cap’n Cat is going to assume you two are intimate, if you know what I mean. If you don’t mind bar food, him checking out other chicks, farts, doing his Calculus homework, calling you “Mommy" during sex, and volcanic Peter North facials, Cap’n Cat says you really love him.
However, I see you are from Western Illinois. If he is a football JUCO transfer and can’t produce legit high school transcripts, I’d be wary. No future in a marriage to a guy majoring in Motorcycle Safety. I advise you continue that relationship with your step-brother until someone better comes along. Better yet, transfer to UNI.
*****
Our next letter comes from Paul at Southern Illinois. He writes,
Dear Cap’n Cat,
Why is it that you still can’t accept SIU as a legit national power?
Hi, Paul. I’m sorry, Southern Illinois plays football?
*****
Our final letter comes from “Justine” at Indiana State. She asks,
Dear Cap’n Cat,
I hear you are quite the skirt hound. Howz about a few laps around the dorm room with me?
Thanks, Justine. Cap’n Cat is certainly a ladies man like no other. Still, he doesn’t have too much success with the girls because he always insists on wearing their underwear on his head. Therapy is going OK and he thinks he has the problem “licked”, so to speak.
Regarding your proposition, though, The Cap’n would indeed enjoy throwing one at you, but you must meet certain requirements. First, you have to walk with a limp, be completely shaven “down there”, your feet have to stink, your dad must be wealthy, your mom needs to be bi-curious, and your boyfriend needs to know how to operate the video equipment. If you can meet these standards, PM me at this site.
Enough silliness, TO THE GAMES!!!!
1. Western Illinois at Western Kentucky.
My, how the mighty have fallen. Western Illinois, once a Gateway and national powerhouse couldn’t pull a sick whore offa toilet this year. They had their yearly loss to UNI and got pummeled by Southern Illinois by 70, or something. Think it’s time to reconsider the JUCO transfer thing. You can’t build a team on kids from East St. Louis via the Coffeyville, KS, or Garden City, KS, JC’s. And, the time’s gonna come when that bail money slush fund begins to dwindle away
Cap’n Cat has built a lot of respect for the Topsters, them having beat the Cats three years in a row. Still, their stadium blows dick and their fans are a-holes. Bring your flak jacket and a carton of Lucky Strikes to bribe them away from you. Cigarettes are the only thing these people understand. By the way, Cap’n Cat has to employ his obligatory Kentucky joke:
Q. What is the definition of “relative humidity”?
A. It’s the beads of sweat that form on your cousin’s back when you’re doin’ her from behind!
Thank ya verramuch, thank ya, thank ya verramuch!!!!!
Any-frickin’-how, Cap’n Cat’s Binford 2000 Gateway Game Guesstimator tells us that WKU wins by 28, 35-7.
*****************************
2. Indiana State at Southern Illinois.
Talk about yer Davids and Goliaths! H3ll, the Leafed Ones will be lucky the Dogs don’t spin a C note on the scoreboard. This is almost as bad as those jerk-offs at Georgia Southern playing Paul Quinn or Johnson C. Smith or Pineville Baptist Women’s College, or whomever the hell it was they beat by 90. Indiana State has not been good for eons. They had a 7-4 year a few back, but that was the lone shining light in a program that is the microcosmic equivalent of the nation of Albania. What the f*ck good comes outta there, anyway? Terre Haute, Tirana – same thing. There’s major prisons in both cities and that’s all I know.
Then there’s Southern Illinois who, though they’ve had great success in the past two seasons, are still an anomaly to Cap’n Cat. Yeah, they beat UNI this year, but, as they say, even a blind squirrel can bust his nut – or something like that. Their recent run is a fluke in Gateway Conference history, like Youngstown’s national championship in 1997. The Saluki carriage morphs back into a pumpkin for next season after Coach Kill takes a job at a half-assed I-A school like Middle Tennessee State or Utah State and falls on his face ala’ Todd Berry of Crimson Crow fame.
Soon enough, the conference will be back to normal, and normal is…….Northern Iowa winning the championship four out of every five seasons (and tying with Western Illinois or Western Kentucky that odd year), Indiana State floundering, Youngstown State stumbling and whining why they EVER got in a conference, Illinois State setting new standards for mediocrity, Southwest Missouri remaining a perennial mosquito on the I-AA radar and Southern Illinois remanded back to their long-occupied “Dog” house at the bottom of the conference, putting together impressive strings of consecutive 2-9 seasons. Least they were consistent. THAT’S the real Gateway!
”Back in there, Saluki-breath!”
Anyway, when Cap’n Cat slips this “contest” into his Cap’n Cat Binford 2000 Gateway Game Guesstimator, it spits out Southern Illinois 75, Indiana State 6.
*****
3. Ilinois State at Northern Iowa.
Like Indiana State, the ILSU Crimson Crows just gotta heave when they see Northern Iowa on their schedule ever year. They look at it every week from April on and get that sick knot in their gut worrying about getting blasted by the Cats. Again. Maybe the admin’s and coaches in Normal oughta hand out those schedules in August, so they can keep their minds on working out and getting in shape for the season and not about the azz-whoopin’ that awaits them courtesy of UNI every single frickin’ year.
I did tell you guys I got laid on both nights of my ILSU recruiting visit, didn’t I? On Friday night, I went home with the best of the two, a redheaded, freckled beauty by the name of Maureen. She was from suburban Evergreen Park and her dad was a plumber, I recall. Good Democrat gal, too. I just remember being very sore the next day and applying baby lotion to my furry sword. And, even though I really wasn’t, ahem, “up” to it on Saturday night, I still managed to have an amorous encounter with a darker skinned girl after a party. Don’t remember her name, but I know one thing, she learned a lot in just two years of college. She had to have achieved her Masters in the Oral Arts already. Maybe ILSU is good for something after all!
Anyhow, the Cap’ns beloved UNI Panthers are on a serious roll now, their feet finally beneath them, having lost some tough ones to a tough buncha teams in I-AA, but recovering, and winning four big ones in a row. Some are talking about the playoffs, but The Cap’n doesn’t think that will happen. Had the Salukis not fallen down like a little girl in the playground in the first round v Delaware last year, there would be more thought given to that third Gateway playoff team.
Regardless, we’re here to talk about this game. Take it from the Cap’n, this will be no game. The Panthers will maul the Crows like you do your girlfriend when you get home drunk after the titty bars. Future Walter Payton Award winner Eric Sanders at QB, a healthy Freeney and Farley-fired defense will have Crow heads spinning in the UNIDome. When asked to provide a score for this one, Cap’n Cat’s Binford 2000 Gateway Game Guesstimator tells us, UNI 56, ILSU 17.
(continued in reply!)
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